This past week I have been suffering from an almost crippling cloud of artistic self-doubt and general purposelessness.
Long story short: It sucks. Both the feelings of doubt and all of the art I've been doing.
The Drawing-A-Day has definitely been motivating. But I feel a need for critiques, face to face constructive feedback, and a bigger work space... basically I want college back. Irk. It all comes back to that. Why? Why was college so great? What gives it the right to be my creative high point? Deadlines, teachers, classmates, utilities and equipment at my disposal from 6am to midnight EVERYday.
Nah, it wasn't THAT great.
Maybe the soul-crushing job? No. It pays my bills so I should quit my bitchin'. Do I feel like I'm better than that job? Yes. I feel like I deserve recognition and more money, but don't we all? And how many people actually get that? Not many.
Why do I continuously chicken out of commissions? I feel like I am declining artistically and that I don't deserve the attention that I crave.
After following more art blogs, art collective websites, and independent art sites, I am definitely comparing myself to everything and everybody that is out there. I am feeling inadequate and unprepared.
I have a fear of turning that art that I love into the soul-crushing job I hate, so maybe that mindset of work=majorsuck and art=funawesomelove is so inherent in my life I cannot disconnect these ideas. Or try to reverse them.
Thanks for letting me rant, you guys. Thanks to whomever reads this dohickey I type on sometimes.
Anyway, more art posting tonight. Tomorrow, please, too.
I will be sitting at my drafting table tomorrow, for as long as I can. I haven't done that enough lately. Maybe it will make me feel better.
I feel like art is all I'm good at, but I'm not good enough.
Well I'll show me.
:)
Nat.
music: The Maid Needs A Maid - Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton [Knives Don't Have Your Back]
P.S. Played Zombies last night. The D&D-ish card game. It was great.
Also, I'm really going to try to avoid making this blogspot into a total dumping ground for all of my complaining, so I will go for art-related or zilch. Just to keep it upbeat. Who knows who read this anyway.
1 comment:
Totally know how you feel there sista! I have all this work I've made post-graduation, and so little feedback. Mostly though, what the heck to I do with it? How do I get myself out there? And, I'm sick and tired of the same old - how do I change it up? Hmm, I don't know. .. just keep truckin' and keep an open mind for things to come and go. . .
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